Sunday, June 20, 2010

three months from now

Here I am again...Crawling back to you. You must not be surprised anymore.

While at our Chinese-food Father's Day dinner, I found myself in one of those fuzzy, momentary funks that I know we all find ourselves in a few times a week. You know, where the low roar of a busy restaurant kind of forces you into a meditative, contemplative mood...You begin thinking of mundane this-and-thats, which somehow morph rapidly into strangely fleeting life crises. I was fretting over all the silly non-issues that I have allowed to manifest into acutal issues, mostly out of sheer boredom and a want for a bit of spice in my life. Feeling ridiculous about my current daily concerns that I had somehow let consume me for the better part of an hour, I absent-mindedly grabbed my fortune cookie (yes,  I know, I always talk about fortune cookies):

"Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you."

Well, I'll be damned! That was just what I needed to snap me back into reality and stop fretting over my incredibly ridiculous, unimportant, and self-made issues of present. You see, three months from now is September 20th. September 20th also happens to be my first week as a graduate student. Oh, you clever little fortune cookie, you!

I think most people who come to this place already know that I am heading to Oregon State for graduate school in the fall. It's funny because I have been so hesitant to write on my blog, emails, etc. the last few months out of a fear of showcasing my anxiety, lost wanderings, and all that other stuff that doesn't seem to get better by sharing it with others. And of course, the wanderings and anxiety will not simply end because I am once again on a school roster. I wouldn't want that. I don't want to live my life in extreme highs and extreme lows of self-assurance and self-doubt. But I'm learning to embrace the rising and waning tides of them. I am learning to make the dull roar of crises, just like the one found tonight in a Chinese restaurant, a constructive part of my life. 

But all that aside, I'm just so thrilled to have something going on in my life that I am squadiddily-butt excited about. It has been so long since I have given myself the permission to be truly and honestly excited about anything. But here I am--excited. And it feels like a return to self. 

I had a lovely visit to Corvallis, Oregon (my to-be new home) last week. I took a tour and met people from my program. The few days there were filled with warm, inviting people, foods, and places. It made me want school to start next week! But alas, as the way the fortune cookie crumbles, I have to wait nearly 3 months. The nature of my waiting place (ahem-Saratoga) has changed a bit in the last few weeks. I'm letting myself enjoy home and summer adventures more. There are many weeks of writing, researching, friend-visiting, poorly painting, and sunburning ahead. 

love!
jkl

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