Sunday, August 9, 2009

yes no maybe so

it's been a long absence. and it's been an intentional one. it just seems as though i can't trust my thoughts or feelings right now. one moment i think one thing, but please don't hold it to me in the next. it's a polarizing uncertainty, where i waver between extreme optimism and extreme anxiety. the experience and consequential outcome of both sides are overwhelming and, hopefully will be (in the end), good for me. i don't want to block out this experience because it's important, but i do think, in some ways, that it's important to keep it somewhat neutral here.

besides the constant inner-monologue that's been going on in my head, i've managed to have a magical summer. both in brooklyn and at randy and lizzy's wedding, which was so beautifully them. in the long run, my 23rd summer will not be memories of insomnia, migraines, tears, and the general uncertainty that i'm sure i will one day become pleasantly comfortable with. it will be memories of fireflies, wedding vows, hot nights balanced by cool magic hat #9's in bar back patios, good wine set to a mountain backdrop, meg's dancing, asher's laugh, music in prospect park, adorable children who i can never seem to get into bed, and the continuation of my lovely, ever-evolving  relationship with words and how we all choose to connect to them.

i am back in the bay area on thursday (for good, kinda). i will be near my favorite family (my own, duh) and the land i love. and it's home for an indefinite period of time with no set plan in front of me. as you might guess from my angsty rant from above, all of these factors delight, excite, and terrify me.

at the very least, i'll hopefully be updating this more out of sheer boredom....or out of thrilling life changes to share?

no. no. it'll most likely be out of boredom.

love!
jkl

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