Sunday, April 26, 2009

lucky girl

whenever friends or family come to town, it feels like i finally have an excuse to have fun. it's like a hall pass or something. good weather, good food, good friends, and good family in sight the last few days has done a great number on my soul. during multiple moments over the past few days, i'd stop myself to savor this lovely, full sense of contentment. and the longing for the feeling started even before it had ended, as the suitcases thudded down the stairs of my walk-up and as the hot day turned into a humid night. i'm just trying to figure out if the brief glimpse of contentment is to be taken as a tease or as a reminder. i'm frustrated at myself for thinking this way. it's an unfair and unhealthy thought process. when did i start analyzing things in absolutes? in terms of wheres, whens, and whats? defining life by past and future with no honoring to the present? this boiling down of situations and sentiments...this categorizing and over-thought...it's not right.

i'm a lucky girl. this is a constant i never doubt. it is one absolute i do not mind making. i feel it every day...and not as a reminder or as a tease or even as a promise. it's simply a statement. a fact. it's a fact that i often dwell on. it's a fact that both drives me crazy and keeps me sane. 

what is a lucky girl?  a lucky girl is a girl trying to figure out how to become a lucky woman. 

what is a lucky woman? a lucky woman is a woman who creates her own luck. she is independent. she is strong. she is at peace with the world because she is at peace with herself and with her life, the life she has made. she seeks what she wants. and when she cannot find it, she creates it. she defines her own fluid and non-absolute definition of success, which allows her to always be successful. and finally, a lucky woman fosters the growth of lucky girls, lucky boys, and of a lucky world.

not all lucky women begin as lucky girls, of course. many lucky women must start from scratch. but not me, one of the lucky lucky girls. you see, i left out part of the definition of a lucky girl. a lucky girl is overwhelmingly supported and surrounded by the likes of lucky men, lucky women and (if she is a very lucky girl like me) other lucky girls and lucky boys who she may find her way along with.

being a lucky girl makes me feel silly, bratty, safe and incredibly, undeniably thankful.

i have written the word "lucky" so many times that it now looks like the word "loogie" to me.

i'm talking lucky-loco and of course none of this has come out quite as i wanted. but i'm forcing myself not to fret over it. somehow the contentment i gushed about earlier also equals three nights of staying up way, way, WAY past my bed time (think 5 a.m.). i took a nap as the hottest part of the day burned off and i woke up feeling fuzzy and confused. perhaps this is why i make no sense. but that doesn't explain for the rest of the time, i guess.

love!
jkl

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