Tuesday, December 9, 2008

(no) fear and (no) loathing in las vegas

it has been way too long, my friends....annnnnnnd i need to stop saying "my friends" because john mccain totally ruined the novelty of it. bah humbug.

the past few weeks have been busy bee for me (alliteration and rhyme). i was in california the last two weeks, which was interesting in oh so many ways.

when i booked my flight home for thanksgiving (and another 2 week stint starting on the 21st), i was in a state of full-blown disarray. in that state, booking the long trips home felt like a band-aid i could use...even though i knew i'd eventually have to rip that band-aid off. and i knew it would be painful. it would sting. but still...i needed a band-aid...so, i slapped that sucker onto my wounds. 

in some ways, being at home really grounded me. but in a lot other ways, it just jumbled everything up in my head even more. seriously. my brain must look like scrambled eggs. as always, being near the mountains and my home girls proved to be good medicine. mountains and home girls are constants in my life. things for which i will always have confidence. 

while at home there were other things i had been missing that i got to see, too...or maybe that i  didn't see. and these other thing were actually a bit disappointing. and that's good. i think that sometimes the human heart (or maybe just my heart) creates tugs of longing toward concrete entities in order to make a false sense of its intangible heartache for something it does not yet know, grasp, decipher, or have hope of ever having. does that make sense? home is a funny thing.

so the plan had been to go to l.a. the week after thanksgiving and split my time kind of couch-hopping around. but....ummmm....brian, kim, and i somehow ended up in a little place called vegas. 
so random. so wonderful. 

the three of us are, in some ways, all in similar place in our lives. and that place is called lost. so, for just a few days, we bounced out of lost and into the las vegas strip.

i bought us tickets to the beatles love show as a very belated wedding gift. brian and kim won a lot of money. i lost a little of my own...and of brian's...and of kim's...woops. we ate a lot of fried food, which i some-what regret. we had some much needed talks and i felt a great comfort in not only our conversations, but in my family. 

now, in hindsight, i am seeing how our vegas trip was actually so important to my well being. that trip is already fermenting itself in my memories as an emblem of this time in our lives. and that emblem...that tiny, jeweled, memory of vegas will be a pleasant one. a silly one. it will be a reminder to take a step back. and as hard on myself as i am now, one day i won't tell my kids that my brains were scrambled eggs. instead, i'll just tell them about the time uncle bri, aunt kim, and their mom became sane in the most insane city on earth, during (what we thought was, but wasn't really) the most insane time in our lives. i take great comfort in this, too.

after vegas, i got to see sarah, which was awesome. her home is so her. and i say that because both are magical. her place is like a real cozy, curl-up-by-the-fire, read-all-day-in-bed, cook-a-big-ol'-dinner, break-bread-with-friends kind of place. i say these specific activities because they are exactly what we did. sarah is such a rock in my life. it makes me feel good to know she's in a home that is as great as she is.

and being in sarah's cozy house with her silly l.a. friends made me miss my cozy apartment with my silly nyc friends. while in california, i was constantly reminded why i am so homesick for the bay area all too often. but, at the same time, being at home made me realize that i actually have been making quite a good home for myself in nyc, too. of course i didn't recognize this until i felt the heart pangs for my brooklyn life only once away from it. tough decisions will have to be made in the coming months about where my home will be next year. oh...so not thinking about this right now. scrambled the eggs that are my brain a little more, won't you please?

ridiculously long post. i know. i apologize. oh who cares? no one is reading at this point anyways. i'm not even reading. this is just me stomping any ol' letter on the keyboard without looking. kdjflkjrwkljedf.

i love you all. i hope you know that.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you are an awesome writer! I'm glad to see you're living it up.

Paul R