Thursday, September 20, 2007

our lives become beautiful with mystery again

so, i've been thinking a lot about next year lately. this is mostly because anytime i run into anyone i haven't seen in a long time the first thing they always ask is so....what are you going to do next year? um...i don't know. i'm thinking about pursuing a career in magic. no. taxidermy is my true passion. i mean it's not like i have no direction, but it's kind of scary. the next few years could mean a lot. or they might just be about figuring out what i don't want. which is ok, too, i guess, but it's really exciting and frightening.

i feel like i got so stressed as a senior in high school, but at least i knew i was at least going to college and that i'd have some choice in the matter of where i went. and that turned out beautifully because now i'm a BADGER. but now i'm a senior again and i'm thinking about the future again, but this time i have more choice in some senses, and yet also a feeling like i don't really have control. i need advice from the people i love and trust (you!)

so here are some of the things i'm thinking about doing/being by this time next year:

  • MFA in creative writing is scratched...i think. i've thought about it a lot and i don't know if it's right for me right now. i'd be really young to be doing this. also, it seems indulgent and i already eat a lot of chocolate. in case you want to talk me back into it, look at the best of the best :
  • college has really allowed me to foster an even deeper love for literature than i already had. through everything, i've realized that what i love most about writing is the whole process of it and watching this creation turn itself into something profound and special. i feel really confident in the idea of working toward being an editor at a publishing house. i've just started looking and it seems like it's a long road to be where i want to be, but i'm starting to be okay with that.

  • i was feeling comfortable with starting to work myself up the publishing world's totem pole, but i can't knock the thought of americorps out of my head. i'm really interested in working in rural america or doing katrina relief work in new orleans. i met a friend of a friend from new orleans who knows lots of people in the americorps there and he had so many positive things to say about it. i've thought since the 6th grade that i was destined for peacecorps the year after graduation, but my anthropology degree has made me really believe in american anthropology and, more importantly, the american people, as deserving of attention, too. sometimes i feel like the next few years are my last chances for awhile to do these type of things. of course, i know that's a completely ridiculous thought, but being a year away from graduation will do that to you.

  • last option: be a bum with a drum on the santa cruz boardwalk.

i just wanted to put all my options out there for everyone to see. i know that whatever happens, it's going to be great. i refuse to do anything next year that will keep me from being happy. i'm definitely thinking about all of this a lot, but i'm also really focused on my classes now and on soaking up my last year at uw and being as obsessed as ever with madison, my roomates, good art, and life.

with all my little health issues recently, i've been trying to explain it all. buttons brought up a good point, telling me that maybe i'm stressed. i feel like i'm pretty on top of my shit right now, but this year does have a certain weight on it and my mind is filled. so maybe. i think all the stuff i wrote about early in this post, and having some building anxiety from the crime aspect of south africa (though i wouldn't exchange that experience for the world) and with andrea (it's her birthday today and it's been a hard day) and with all the other little subconscious things that go on in the crevices of my brain that maybe there's some stuff that i just haven't been dealing with properly. It just seems silly that me worrying about things that i shouldn't worry about could have physical repercussions on my body. there are people with much bigger problems than me. but nonetheless, i'm going to take good care of myself, mentally and physically, while still holding on to all this good stuff in my life. that can only help and i hope you all do the same.

tomorrow the bleakhouse publishing house internship officially, officially starts. hoorah!


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